‘Hey! Stop that! That’s mine! I had it first! Mum, she took my toy!’

Sound familiar? Conflict amongst siblings is generally unavoidable at some point across the day. As a parent you often just wish that everyone could get along and sort things out, without the constant moaning and whining about who did what, whose turn it was, and who looked at who.

Getting along with others is a learned skill. It requires practice and patience, often with a few little hurdles along the way. The most important thing to understand as a parent is what causes your children to fight, and what it is that you can do to assist your children resolving issues along the way.

What Causes Children to Fight

• Competing for attention from their parents or family
• Adjusting to having a new sibling
• Unresolved feelings of hurt or anger towards something unrelated to another child
• Learning to live harmoniously with others
• Feelings that someone has invaded their personal space

What Can I Do To Help My Children?

It is important to always remember that you are the role model and example for your children. They will often copy the way in which you handle conflict. If you use your words, so will they.

Here are some suggestions for mediation:

• Ensure that children are able to have their own toys and games away from other children if they wish. For example, making sure that an older child’s work is not demolished by a younger child. This works both ways.
• Show each child how special they are to you by spending quality time with them regularly. Allocate time on a calendar if you are finding it hard to juggle, and remind each child when their special time is. Stick to your commitment.
• Ensure children have their own space to go to when they are feeling like ‘me’ time. For example, their own room or a designated place in the house with a box of their belongings.
• Make sure that you have multiple of the same toys if you have young children. Young children often do not understand the need to wait and take turns. Having multiple toys ensures that everyone gets a turn fairly.
• Make sure that one child is not being left out. If this is the case, invite the child to come over and play.
• Avoid comparing children with each other. All children are different with differing personalities and abilities. It is important that you recognise this. Comparing children often causes more conflict.
• Always show your children you love them and how much they mean to you equally. To a child, love means time and attention.
• As a family, discuss some acceptable rules. Make sure that the whole family is involved with this process and write them down. Make the rules positive. For example, a good rule may be ‘we always use our words’. This is a great tool because if you are then required to mediate, you can refer all children back to the rules you made together. Things become more relevant to children when they have ownership of a situation.
• Give your children alternative ways to express how they feel. Talk with them about what helps them. You may suggest that your child goes for a run in the garden, does a painting, digs in the garden or pounds some play dough to vent some frustration.
• Encourage children to use their words, not their body to resolve a conflict. This is difficult at first for young children, but results can be achieved with parental guidance, patience and support.
• Be a positive role model for your children when resolving conflicts. If you use your body to resolve a situation instead of words, your child will copy and do the same. If you shout when you are angry, so will they.

Steps for Being a Positive Mediator

On most occasions, children will be able to resolve their conflicts without the aid of an adult. But there are definitely times when adult intervention is required. For example, if you can see that one child is about to get hurt, that would be the time to intervene.

There are a few important things to remember if you do decide to step in and help:

• Always take a deep breath before you start. This helps you approach the situation with a little more clarity.
• Separate the children temporarily if they are about to hurt each other. Using your words at this stage is very important too. It sends the wrong message if you smack a child for hitting their sibling. Separating the children will not resolve the issue, but it will help until everyone is calm enough to talk to each other. Often asking the children to take a deep breath helps too. If your children have already resorted to negotiating physically, tend to the injured child first. This will give you time to calm down before confronting the offender!
• Try encouraging the children to sort it out between themselves first. This includes asking children to use their words to talk to each other about how they feel. Help them to listen to each other’s feelings.
• Try not to take sides as there are always two sides to the story. Remember, children will often tell you what they want you to believe if they think they will be in trouble.
• Remind the children of the family rules and what this means.
• Suggest options to help resolve the conflict as an example for the children. Ask them to try the option before deciding it will not work.
• Encourage children to say sorry to each other once the situation has been resolved (young children do not really understand ‘sorry’ as a concept, but it is great practice for when you are an adult).
• All of this is good training for when they are older and need to be able to solve their own problems as an adult. Practice makes you better at resolving conflict, but it definitely takes time!